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The Fear of Loss (and the unexpected gifts)

The day my partner Susan passed away seemed like it lasted for several days.
My mind just wasn’t aware of “time” as we normally see it.

Later that day, I needed to go to the local health food store because my
refrigerator was almost bare. It had been over 30 days since I had a normal
meal at home because I had been visiting her in the hospital almost every
day in that that time span.

When I was checking out, the young clerk asked me those two basic
questions that most clerks ask:

“Did you find everything you need?”
“How’s your day going?”

The first question was easy to answer. The second one made me think,
“what do I say?” I chose to tell him. I said “This is probably the most
bittersweet day of my life. My wife passed away this morning”

The look on his face (and the woman who was bagging the groceries)
went from normal to shock in a matter of seconds. The young man said,
“I’m so sorry for your loss”.

I paused as I heard his words and looked into the woman’s eyes
who was helping and it hit me…

“It seems strange that almost everyone responds by saying that same
phrase “I’m so sorry for your loss”.

I said to both of them:
“You know what’s strange…? Our culture thinks that when someone crosses over,
that we’ve “lost” them. In other words that we’re “separate” from them. And
that feeling of separation creates a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs. Once
it starts it’s very difficult to pull out of.”

And then I said:
“The second thing is that we assume they were “ours”, like we had
“ownership” of them in some way.”

But what if neither belief is true?

The two people looked stunned – like they saw something they’ve never
seen before…

What if we’ve gotten all wrong? And our attachments to these Souls is
the cause of our suffering?

“Train yourself to let go of the things you fear losing most”
– Yoda

When I first heard Yoda’s quote from above, it completely changed the way
I saw life and death.

When you actually take the time to ask yourself:

“What do I fear losing most?”
“What if i began to train myself NOW to prepare me for its eventually
leaving my life”?

…you will shift your Soul’s vibration and evolution in ways beyond
your imagination. In other words, holding on to things or people
actually lowers your vibration and stunts your spiritual, emotional
and mental growth.

But letting go of those things and people actually allow your Soul
to evolve to a level that will astound you. You almost will not
recognize your old self when you’re free of the old self’s attachments.

As the great teacher, Pema Chodron shares:
“The ego hates the concept of death. Not just death of someone you care
for, but death of anything.”

The ending of a job
The end of a relationship
The end of a creative cycle in our life
When our children become adults
The end of a friendship

Anything that represents the “end” of something is almost automatically
resisted by the ego.

The key is to look past the judgment of “loss” and tune into the gift of
the process. What if it isn’t loss at all?

What if you’re gaining something you never knew existed when
that chapter in your life comes to a close?

In other words, what’s the gift of that supposed “loss”?

Does that mean that when someone leaves your life that you shouldn’t grieve?
Of course not. We all have our own timing and meaning about the words grief
and loss. The key is to nurture your own self and to honor your own feelings and emotions.

The Buddhists believe that when a person dies they pass on to the next life and they celebrate that passing because they know they will see their loved one again.

Can you imagine how different things would be in our culture if we shifted
our belief from “loss” to blessing the Soul that passes? Knowing that that
Soul has a higher destiny…

And knowing they are not separate from us at all…

When we choose you have the courage to seek that gift,
new worlds of wonder, peace, insights and wisdom open
themselves to us.

It all depends on how you view life.

If you view it through the lens of loss or separation
then you will feel disconnected and the feeling of
heart ache.

But when you view it from the eyes of a child with curiosity and a sense of
wonder, the gifts you may uncover your will be of unexpected proportions.

So, today my friend, ask yourself:

“What am I holding on to that no longer serves me?”

“How can I find the gift in this challenge that I’m facing today?”

And really allow yourself the time and space to feel your way through these
two questions.

…you may be pleasantly surprised

May you find peace in unexpected ways today my friend.


Paul Bauer

P.S. – Some people wanted the link to Susan’s Memorial Fund Site
Here’s the link