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The Fear of Loss (and the unexpected gifts)

The day my partner Susan passed away seemed like it lasted for several days.
My mind just wasn’t aware of “time” as we normally see it.

Later that day, I needed to go to the local health food store because my
refrigerator was almost bare. It had been over 30 days since I had a normal
meal at home because I had been visiting her in the hospital almost every
day in that that time span.

When I was checking out, the young clerk asked me those two basic
questions that most clerks ask:

“Did you find everything you need?”
and
“How’s your day going?”

The first question was easy to answer. The second one made me think,
“what do I say?” I chose to tell him. I said “This is probably the most
bittersweet day of my life. My wife passed away this morning”

The look on his face (and the woman who was bagging the groceries)
went from normal to shock in a matter of seconds. The young man said,
“I’m so sorry for your loss”.

I paused as I heard his words and looked into the woman’s eyes
who was helping and it hit me…

“It seems strange that almost everyone responds by saying that same
phrase “I’m so sorry for your loss”.

I said to both of them:
“You know what’s strange…? Our culture thinks that when someone crosses over,
that we’ve “lost” them. In other words that we’re “separate” from them. And
that feeling of separation creates a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs. Once
it starts it’s very difficult to pull out of.”

And then I said:
“The second thing is that we assume they were “ours”, like we had
“ownership” of them in some way.”

But what if neither belief is true?

The two people looked stunned – like they saw something they’ve never
seen before…

What if we’ve gotten all wrong? And our attachments to these Souls is
the cause of our suffering?

“Train yourself to let go of the things you fear losing most”
– Yoda

When I first heard Yoda’s quote from above, it completely changed the way
I saw life and death.

When you actually take the time to ask yourself:

“What do I fear losing most?”
and
“What if i began to train myself NOW to prepare me for its eventually
leaving my life”?

…you will shift your Soul’s vibration and evolution in ways beyond
your imagination. In other words, holding on to things or people
actually lowers your vibration and stunts your spiritual, emotional
and mental growth.

But letting go of those things and people actually allow your Soul
to evolve to a level that will astound you. You almost will not
recognize your old self when you’re free of the old self’s attachments.

As the great teacher, Pema Chodron shares:
“The ego hates the concept of death. Not just death of someone you care
for, but death of anything.”

Examples:
The ending of a job
The end of a relationship
The end of a creative cycle in our life
When our children become adults
The end of a friendship

Anything that represents the “end” of something is almost automatically
resisted by the ego.

The key is to look past the judgment of “loss” and tune into the gift of
the process. What if it isn’t loss at all?

What if you’re gaining something you never knew existed when
that chapter in your life comes to a close?

In other words, what’s the gift of that supposed “loss”?

Does that mean that when someone leaves your life that you shouldn’t grieve?
Of course not. We all have our own timing and meaning about the words grief
and loss. The key is to nurture your own self and to honor your own feelings and emotions.

The Buddhists believe that when a person dies they pass on to the next life and they celebrate that passing because they know they will see their loved one again.

Can you imagine how different things would be in our culture if we shifted
our belief from “loss” to blessing the Soul that passes? Knowing that that
Soul has a higher destiny…

And knowing they are not separate from us at all…

When we choose you have the courage to seek that gift,
new worlds of wonder, peace, insights and wisdom open
themselves to us.

It all depends on how you view life.

If you view it through the lens of loss or separation
then you will feel disconnected and the feeling of
heart ache.

But when you view it from the eyes of a child with curiosity and a sense of
wonder, the gifts you may uncover your will be of unexpected proportions.

So, today my friend, ask yourself:

“What am I holding on to that no longer serves me?”

and…
“How can I find the gift in this challenge that I’m facing today?”

And really allow yourself the time and space to feel your way through these
two questions.

…you may be pleasantly surprised

May you find peace in unexpected ways today my friend.


Blessings,

Paul Bauer

P.S. – Some people wanted the link to Susan’s Memorial Fund Site
Here’s the link


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  1. 5 Comment(s)

  2. By Eli on Aug 18, 2017 | Reply

    Very well put Paul – will share this with many (now and in the future). Much appreciated.

  3. By Catherine on Aug 18, 2017 | Reply

    Paul, your article is very on target. One thing
    that I have learned comes from the work of John
    O’Donohue. He died too early and was so insightful. His thought was that for those who
    knew the one who passed on, they can help to add
    the spirit of the person to our earthly realm by
    carrying on the spirit of the deceased.

    Blessings of peace and joy, my friend!

  4. By John Halderman on Aug 18, 2017 | Reply

    I’m with you on your ideas here, as I had a similar experience a few years ago, we had been married for 30 years.
    Another thing I realized …who am I to wish that she remained with me in this physical reality?
    I think that we are more than this physical expression, so she is not gone, just changed … so, who am I to claim she should not have done as she did.
    So, grieving yes, yet not from an exclusively self-centered perspective of, why did you leave me and the family?
    She is not gone … I honor that ‘she’ moved on for her own reasons which may be beyond my perception.
    … BE in peace.

  5. By Jamella on Aug 18, 2017 | Reply

    Paul, I love what you have written and it is also the way I believe and have believed for a long time now. After the loss of both parents I felt a form of loss until one day they proved to me that they are still around me when I need them the most. I learn that (Love never dies, it only expands) written by Jamella Frieling. it is in those words that allowed me to gain inner strength and realize that we never loos anyone. it has allowed me to open myself to the greater understanding of life and death. I am glad you are writing about this because others need to hear it. May healing blessing come your way always, as you move forward through your life.

  6. By Anthony on Aug 18, 2017 | Reply

    Wonderful message Paul, thank you. You have lightened my heart when I was feeling very heavy from the loss of my former life, so thank you my dear friend. I will focus on being grateful for this transition to allow space for something wonderful to flower. Many blessings to you Paul πŸ’œ

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